Blah, blah, blah

I had a most productive weekend...I CLEANED MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First time in a long time that I have had a nice, good cleaning session, I cleaned the bathroom, living room, kitchen, I vaccumed AND I did all the dishes even if it was B for boy's turn to do dishes. There's something about cleaning house that makes it feel like decluttering the mind, don't you think?
However, I haven't been that good on the excercise front, taking a bit of a breather from it cos I've got all sorts of pain coming from my lower back and feet. I'll just wait until I get my new shoes (on wednesday) before I start up on the cardio again, I think my crappy 2yr old shoes are a big part of my pain problem at the moment.
I have gotten so many great snack ideas from you guys, so many to chose from, fplain old fruit and yogurt are history!!

I did 3 miles on the treadmill today, something I've never done before, nor thought that I could do. It took me 50 min of walking on the treadmill to get there, but I did it. All the way I was thinking to myself that it would be ok if i stopped, but something else just wanted to prove that I was capable of accepting a challenge even one set by a fitness magazine and actually see it through. I know that's not much for all you seasoned exercisers out there but it was a big deal for me. For the next month I shall be doing more of the same, hopefully I'll be able to build my speed up so I can do the same distance in a shorter period of time. By the end of this programme I shall be walking 4 miles on the treadmill, hopefully at a faster time than my first go. Also it should be a bit easier when I get me my new runners, which I can't quite afford at the moment. Question...does anyone of you know if Nike shoes with something called motion control or something like that are any good cos that's what I've got my eye on at the moment, either those or Ryka shoes, so advice me people.
Was mostly good on the eating front today, until dinner time, but I'll just focus on my wins cos that seems a bit more uplifting than focussing on the downs. Until recenlty, the old adage "calories in, calories out" seemed so unatainable without actually physically counting calories in and trying to balance that value with calories out. That is until I read an article in Shape or mind, spirit body fitness that said that to lose weight and achieve the calories in calories out rule, all you have to do is make a split between calories consumed and those used. Eg if wanting to cut out 500 calories from your diet, then eat 250 cals less and excercise enough to burn or 250 cals. Somehow that just clicked into place for me, and I now try to achieve that, cos I'm not one for keeping count of calories, not that bright or crazy. Also I find that when I put myself on an actual diet no matter how liberal, I seem to go in the complete opposite direction and eat everything that I set out not to eat in the first place.
It was my mums birthday today, and I called her back home in africa. Tell you what, its so hard to be away from family sometimes. I've been here for 5yrs now, that's 5yrs of not being able to hug my mum or my sister, or see my little cousin grow up or just enjoy my family as a whole. I really miss them, especially my sister. I hope that all you reading this take the moment to appreciate what a great support system you have at hand in you family, not just for weightloss, but also for day to day life, cos I envy you a lot.
Have a good day/night/evening, still waiting for more snack suggestions (thanks purl!).

Good eating

I would like a bit of help with choosing healthy snacks. Actually, I need a whole lot more than a bit of help with that. I don't know which school of thought works best, there's the no snacking in between meals, stick to 3 meals a day, the 6 mini meals a day and the 3 small meals and 3 snacks a day streams. I 'm not sure which works best or which is most effective for keeping the metabolism firing all day. So in fact, I need help with deciphering this code because I'm so confused. Also with portion sizes, how much is too much. All these questions about food, it's just fuel for the brain and muscle components of us!
I really do need the help with this though, snack ideas would be good. I usually do the yogurt and fruit thing, but that's getting a bit boring, anything that's nutritious and yummy would do the trick.
Otherwise, not much to report. I had a great work out the other day. I usually get bored really quick so I try to change my workout routine a fair bit. I can't afford a personal trainer as yet, so I get my workout ideas from fitness magazines, such as Shape and Fitness which you can by the way read on the internet. So anyway, this workout was a treadmill based one, the usual interval training bandwagon every trainer seems to be on at the moment but it was hard...really hard, and I finished it. However, today I looked at what they had planned for me (40 min of run-walk at high intensity) and chickened out, so didn't go to the gym today...for which I paid by stubbing my little toe on the corner of a tome B for boy had lying around and splitting the poor bugger open, I took that as a sign from the powers that be, had I gone to the gym, I wouldn't have been at home to hurt myself thusly. Anyhoo, raring to go tomorrow running or no running, I missed my work out today.
So enough of the ramblings, I'm off to visit some of you guys now, looking forward to hearing lots of yummy snack ideas from some of you more seasoned good eaters.

Renewed

I am renewed. I have a new found motivation and strength, I am reliving the burning desire to get my weightloss back on track. I have had a whole weekend of umming and aahing, and I have listened to the gospel that is the word of my fellow bloggers...purl, michelle and all the others who left messages of encouragement on my blog site. I am looking forward to getting this journey restarted, and looking forward to succeeding. Thank you all for all your kind words and wishes, it gave me a refreshed stength that I wouldn't have been able to find on my own.
YEAH FOR BLOGLAND!!!

Musings

Been feeling a bit boring lately, I don't have much new going on for me at the moment. I have been pretty ordinary this week. I have however started on a new bid to allow myself to be able to save some mula because I never seem to get past my first week of pay with money still in the bank. Because B for boy is really techno savvy and quite financially adept, he made up a spread sheet for me on excel that would allow me to chart all my spendings and all my savings. I have worked out that I could actually save a lot every month if I actually stuck to a budget instead of doing everything on impulse like I usually do.
I also noticed that having this money spreadsheet works exactly like having a food diary. If you don't want to have physical evidence of how much you have splurged then just don't splurge. I'm thinking maybe it's time to get back on the food diary bandwagon as well cos I'm definitely dragging by the wayside on this one.
Purl_princess's blog about trigger weights was a bit of an eyeopener for me. I found it very confronting and I didn't enjoy that. I guess part of being grossly overweight is denial, because you still have people around you who love you then you protect yourself in their love. This also goes hand in hand with telling yourself that it doesn't matter what other people think of you, but sometimes that's just a cover. I really want to lose the weight, to be comfortable within myself and just to live my life to its fullest unlike what I'm doing now. But I am really scared that it won't happen so I guess maybe I don't try as hard as I could. In my family, I took after my mom, who is a lot more impulsive and indulgent than my dad is. My sister got my dads' discipline, focus and drive. Discipline, focus and drive are words that do not exist in my vocabulary and I think that without these characteristics, my weightloss will be difficult to achieve.
I am at my trigger weight at the moment, I realize what I have to do to get where I need to do but I'm scared, and I'm not working hard at either eating right or exercising. I don't know how to stay focused and motivated to achieve my goals. Maybe one of you out there can help?

CAKE...UM I MEAN CRIME ATTACK

So,
we had someone come in to work to day and bring us cake, cos she's nice I guess. I went in for morning tea break and there they were.
Exhibit A. A light, moist almond and cream sponge cake, garnished with strawberries and a strawberry puree sauce.
Exhibit B. A beautiful. dark velvety chocolatey looking beast of a cake, garnished with grapes and mounds of dark chocolate cream.
"Prosecutor, please call your first witness to the stand."

"Tash, do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but?"

"Um...ya, I think so."

"Tell me what happened when you went in for tea at approximately 11am this morning."

"Um...I walked in, and there were two other people in there. I sat down at the table and had tea"

"What happened, go on, tell everybody."

"I saw the cakes on the table, I had a piece of each. I had a conversation with my two workmates."

"What else Tash? This is a waste of taxpayers money and time!!! Did you or did you not massacre the exhibits? Were you or were you not in a "frenzy" as per you own description? Can you even tell me what the converstation between you and your workmates was about? Were there other people there or is that just another faction of your sick, twisted, cake murdering mind?"

"Yes!!! There absoulutely were other people in the tea room...I SWEAR. We talked about...about...sniff, sob...sniff...YES!!! I DID IT!!! I Murdered the cake!! IT WAS ME! I couldn't help it. I thought it was a chocolate cake, not that I have anything against chocolate cake your honor...I told myself it was ok because I don't love chocolate cake, it would just be a little piece. But when I bit into it your honor, it was a COFFEE cream cake!! So...unexpected, so moist and lush and intoxicating. I don't know what happened your honor, you've got to believe me, it wasn't meditated the first time around. I just couldn't think of anything but having another piece of cake. I don't know what my workmates were saying, I was just hoping they would leave the tearoom soon so I could...you know..."

"What Tash...What, so you could what?"

"...I just wanted another piece of cake, I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I don't know what happened. I just felt as though I had woken up from some strange dream. I just remember after I woke up I was really dazed, I couldn't remember what happened, I just know I was covered in cream and cake crumbs. I just wanted to get out of there, so I dusted myself off, and tried to get rid of as much evidence as possible. I'm...guilty your honor, but I plead temporary insanity!!!"

"Jury, you may retire to your quaters to debate your verdict. I rest this cake...ahem, case"

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had a really tough day emotionally. I got told by one of my workmates who had applied for the same job as I had that she had an interview for the position tomorrow, I hadn't heard anything from my boss so I just had to assume that I was not going to be given a chance for this job. So I did the one thing I know best, I had a good old binge, not as big as I would have which is shocking, but I have an idea that the two pieces of desert that I had did a lot of damage anyway. I was so frustrated, I was walking around the lab feeling like I just needed to let out a big scream or I would go insane, I probably did go insane for a while. I just couldn't believe I'm working for a boss who wouldn't even look me in the eye and tell me that she thought I was no good for the position, I came back home to find an email letting me know that unfortunately I have not been selected for an interview for the position....she !@#% works 2 seconds away from me, like if she farts I would probably smell and hear it and she had to bother sending me an email...shows how valuable I am to that whorehouse company (sorry, sis, you can my cursing up with me later, I'm just very angry). So I came home and had a big fight and then a big cry with B for boy cos I was so angry.

Once again I have to thank him for having a good head on his shoulders. We came up with a plan. Because I am so unhappy at this job, I have to find a way for me to actually be able to do what I want to do and be happy. I have to find time to actually look for another job because as it stands I have no time to scratch my ass or indulge in any other such simple pleasures. Hopefully in a few weeks I shall have this whole fiasco sorted and will be gainfully employed, even if it's as a waitress cos let me tell you, I was heck of a lot happier doing that and getting paid well than what I'm doing now. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be singing a different tune, I will let y'all know how it goes.
Have a good one.

training partner or bust!

I have had a little trouble logging on to blogger lately...really technical trouble not just laziness, but I guess it's all good now. But off to better things, I have recruited a new helper in the weightloss scales, actually I think she recruited me. My friend asked me to help her get in shape, so we wrote up a weeks worth of excercise routines, and we are supposed to check in with each other at the end of the day to see if we stuck to our word. I actually find this helpful because I don't want to have to tell her that I didn't do anything exercise wise. So we'll see how long this actually lasts. I have had an uneventful since I last blogged, the only remotely interesting thing I did is apply for the job that I didn't really want and now I'm sitting here wondering what I'll do if I get an interview or even worse...actually get offered the job!! I doubt this will happen, but if it does I have no idea what I shall do.
Ok, my boyfriend just read this blog and he's not happy. See, the thing is he's been pestering me to let him take over my training methods, because apparently I'm not doing things right and if he was running the show then I'd be sure to have lost weight by now. So now that me and my friend are doing this checking up on each other thing he's mad that I wouldn't do it with him but I'll do it with her. I JUST DON'T NEED THIS PRESSURE!!!! I can't let him into this part of my life because I can't handle his attitude, his "I'll show you how it's done, I can make you lose weight, I'm good at this and you're not" attitude. I don't need it because quite frankly it pisses me off! He doesn't understand that telling me all this makes me feel like he thinks that I am not going to reach my goals if I don't just give up and let him tell me what to do. I don't know if anyone out there understands what I'm saying, but I'm too angry from trying to reassure him that this is really the right decision for me. Ok, an example of how bad it would be if I actually allowed him to become my exercise buddy. We have a circuit that runs behind our home. It's a really nice walk as it is in the nature reserve. This circuit that I actually discovered myself, and that I have walked on my own on many an occassion actually runs up a few hilly sections, so is quite tough, at least for me. So me and B for boy went out walking there this one morning and we start to climb. B for boy is quite a bit fitter than I am so he's going for gold on the hills and I'm trying to keep up, I don't want to lag behind, and he's pushing me even more, telling me to hurry up. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden my lungs got really hot and tight and my heart was tripping, I couldn't catch hold of my breath no matter how hard I tried and my back felt like someone had put a sack of rocks on it. B for boy thought I was just having a fat attack, he didn't even slow down for a second, thought I was just unfit and needed to be pushede a bit more. I don't know if I agree with this because I was fresh out of the gym and I'd done the circuit before. This did not feel like anything normal, it felt like something serious was going on. Turns out when I spoke to a friend about it she said the symptoms matched those of a panic attack! I don't know if this is true either but I KNOW my body did not feel like that because I was fat and couldn't hack it I KNOW this. So after this incident understandably I didn't want to do anymore exercise related activities with B for boy because I did not want to be in this situation again. I felt like he thought there couldn't have been any other explanation apart from my weight and he didn't even slow down to find out if I was alright...I don't need this from a training partner. So this is one of the reasons I do not want hime for a trainer. That and the fact that he kept saying to me "I hope that you lose weight and become fit so that that never happens again, I want to be able to do things with my girlfriend not just sit around cos she's unfit" or something to that effect. It really irks me that he thinks this of me he never seems to notice any fitness gains that I have made and to my dying day I shall testify that what happened to me on the hill was NOT just a result of my weight, i think something went horribly wrong.
Ok, no more whinging...hope all's well in your neck of the woods.