update

Gym was good today, first time I actually had breakfast there so was pretty proud of myself for setting myself a goal (get to the gym before breakfast, excercise and take advantage of the free breakfast buffet) and sticking to it. I only did weights today, worked my lower half and I'm feeling the burn at the moment. I love that post workout ache cos it means I'm working something and it's responding (inner thighs) are my favourite to work cos they hurt no matter what you do. I'm not a sadist, I just like to tell myself I'm doing something for myself. Nothing new is happening on any other front, things are still the same.
There's a job going in my laboratory for a scientist, which normally I'd love but at the moment I'm still torn about whether I even want to be there or not. I better put in an application though before it's too late and then I won't even know whether I had a chance or not.
Could someone out there let me know how successful weight watchers actually is? I'm trying to see whether I'll try using their points system to curb eating...how successful is that going to be for me without all the other stuff they do for example?
Ok, not much more to tell, I'll be boring for a bit while I try to get all my work things sorted, everything revolves around that lately.

gym slim

So, first session at the gym today...no biggie. 20 min of warm up cardio then off to body pump (weights) class for an hour. That really killed while I was doing it, but I'm determined to get back in there and build up my strength at least to where I had it before cos I sucked today!
As I mentioned earlier, I joined this gym for the second time running but it's changed. It's just full of all these hard body girls trying to get their bodies even trimmer, slimmer, buffer and tanner. It's so intimidating! Not sure I'll like it this time around as much as I liked it before. So tomorrow being being a sunday I'm going to body balance which is a mix of yoga, taichi and all those mind-body type excercises. Should be fun and at least my poor yoga mat will actually get used for what it was made, I think it may have developed an identity crisis.
Thanks for all the encouragement from all of you, I need it.

Drastic measures

Hello,
I have been so busy doing job application stuff that I haven't had time to pay anyone a visit and update myself on all the wonderful things that are happening to y'all. I hate job searching, I really do. However, a few of my friends at work have found themselves really nice jobs. So out of all of us who have voiced our dissatisfaction with our current jobs, I'm now one of 2 left yet to find a job...the pressure is on!!
An update on my little problem with motivation. I decided it was time that I stopped kidding myself about my ability to maintain an effective excercise regimen at home, so I wait for it....JOINED THE GYM......AGAIN!!!!!!!! It's an all womens club and even though it chomps on the bank account and nibbles on the wallet for dessert I felt that joining a gym is stressfull enough without having to deal with other gym problems (don't ask me what they are).
So I have now been a member of fernwood gym for women for about 2 days for the 2nd year. I haven't started going yet I WILL GO!! Please don't start rolling your eyes at me and wondering why I did this because I'm at a place where support or a lack of support could make or break me. I really am giving this a fair go. I am trying to convince someone out there to believe in me because B for boy has given me his two cents worth...because I seem to prefer late nights over excercise then I should just call it quits now and save myself the trouble...HOW RUDE!!! I'll show him.
The last time I joined the gym I actually got to a point where I felt really good about myself, I was even wearing short denimn skirts because I was secure in the knowledge that Iwas working on my outward appearance and I could let that show now. So I can't wait to get to that point again. Pity the hot (maybe gay) weights instructors moved on...he was really inspirational ;)
I hope to see a lot more of you guys next week as I shall be done with job applications at least until the next job comes around. I will also start going to the gym on sat...trust me, I really will ok?

Back to yack

Hello fellow bloggers (and lurkers), so sorry I have been incommunicado for so long, have been a bit crook, splitting migraine and a hangover to boot but mostly just sick. But now I'm back to yack and tell y'all what's been going on in my twisted mind.
So, been thinking lately, you know how hard it is to get up out of bed in the morning and slip into your exercise clothes when last night it was the last thing on your mind that you promised yourself you would do first thing in the morning? Well, I think it has been a week of promising myself that I'll excercise, and about 2 weeks more of telling myself I'll eat right. I've noticed my portion sizes slowly creeping up, my sweet tooth slowly taking over my common sense and to be quite honest, apart from the split second of guilt and telling my self that this wasn't part of the fat loss schedule, I could honestly say that at the moment I really couldn't care less. I know I'm undoing all the work that I've done lately and I know I'm only hurting myself but the drive just isn't there anymore.
So I came to a conclusion. I think that excercise and weightloss is a lot to do with removing yourself from your comfort zone and pushing yourself harder, which I guess is the reason why personal trainers are so effective. However, to do this one has to have come to the point of no return, where they are ready to give up the bullshit and the self coddling and just do what needs to be done and more. I'm not here yet, I'm still at "oh, wouldn't it be nice if I could fit into those skinny jeans and not feel so self conscious...oh look! A piece of chocolate mousse cake!" It's like subconsciously I have told myself that this is too hard, and I can't do it, and that's the story I'm sticking to. Not even the threat of death from all this lard I'm lugging around will make me do the right thing. It hasn't really clicked in my head that I need to do this, and I'm scared that it never will click and 20yrs down the line I'll tell myself that it was all a waste of time me even trying.
I feel myself losing sight of the finish line, I need some help staying motivated.

Not a happy camper at the moment. Haven't really been excercising or watching what i ate, so have consequently put on a kilo...I'm telling myself it's water retention, that time of the month. I'll tell you what though, really proud of myself for finally doing something that I've wanted to for a long time...incorportate green tea into my daily eatings. So now I drink greet tea with every meal, kind of using it as an alternative to caffeine and it seems to be working. So yes, this isn't a big thing, but coffee was doing crazy things to my system. The other thing that sucks is work. We've had some guy in the lab for the last two days doing quality control procedures because we are being audited next month to see if we meet international standards of lab practice. So changes made so far:
-the cd player was confiscated as it does not meet NATA standards (Whaa?)
-we now have to spin bloods down for 10min instead of 5 like we used to even though it makes no difference to results and just slows everyone down
-no more red, green pens and no white out is allowed in the lab anymore
Ok, seriously, someone pays this guy to do this stuff, to confiscate radios!!!! It's so quiete I can hear myself think and that's no good.
Ok, my whinging is over, sorry guys.
Will come back later and update you on more important stuff. Alea, I will start my foodie comments soon, I'm still just trying to come to terms with the fact that someone will have free access to my not so great at the moment eating habits.
Have a good friday, or thursday for those of you who are one day behind.

A word on self control

I had a fight with the boy today, but I didn't cry like I usually do. It was really hard, but I didn't do it. Instead, I had a brilliant idea, a left over from the old days when my head wasn't screwed on right (not like I'm much better now). So I thought to myself how nice it would be to just go to the bathroom, stick two fingers in my mouth and make myself throwup. Because in my screwed up mind in some way making myself throw up meant I had regained control of the situation.
Good news though, I didn't do this either. I just made myself a mug of calming camomile tea, and proceeded to ignore B for boy until I was satisfied that I was again in control and I wouldn't cry.
Better news though, since starting this blog, I have lost 2 kilos, I suspect it has something to do with those darn fat monitor scales. I'm kinda tired of seeing those horrible statistics. I'll come clean, (I hope my little sister doesn't read this, I think she'd be shocked). I currently weigh 103kg at 5'6". I don't know what my waist, hips, breast measurments are, I don't want to know. However, I do realise that withholding this information from myself is counterproductive, as not only do I not know how well I have progressed, but also because I am denying myself the chance to be proud of my achievements. This however, is the heaviest I have ever been, and whilst I've always been a big girl, even my dad was a bit shocked at how much weight I have put on lately. See, my dad recently came to visit me in Australia from africa, I hadn't seen him in about 3yrs so there was a lot about me he didn't know and was just confronted with.
So, even if I don't feel comfortable about it, I shall post all my stats sometime this week, so that the truth sets me free. I think this is a good way for me to be in control of the situation.

Borders suck!

Today was kind of a toughie for me. I found out I could not under any circumstances apply for this job I was salivating over because I'm not eligible on a slight technicallity...I'm not 'stralian as they like to say here. I really wanted this job as it has all i'm looking for in life, excitement, intrigue, mental stimulation, research, a bit of law, a bit if science, it was perfect! Ok, I'm describing the life of a patents examiner (I am NOT a geek, I just love science). This job was advertised about a week ago and I had started seeing it as a way out of the lab job I currently loathe, sorry I meant hold. Where as I've written before, I'm about as mentally stimulated/ing as golf (don't let my boy read this, he won't be happy). I knew I was more than qualified, having studied patents law, graduated with a degree in biotechnology, a very hard and thorough worker...I could have had it. Why didn't my mum shag an aussie and give birth to me here? WHY? WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!?????? So I proceeded to gorge, 2 potato cakes, a pita bread chicken sandwich, a vanilla slice, two wall street caramel icecreams. Then I felt better. Oh, and I called my boy at work in tears...he was soo nice. He did some research to find out why I was ineligble and found out it's because that particular department, just like defence department needs a really high level of security clearance as it deals in very sensitive information. So he called me back to tell me this and I felt ok ( I had already scoffed down the vanilla slice). Funny how a full tummy negates any other feelings you may have had before...if emotional eating works so well, how am I ever going to get out of it?
So it's back to the drawing board for me. I really need to find another job, my brain is dying, I can feel it.

when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...

Hello my lovelies!!!
Gosh, am I not glad that the weekend is almost upon us!! I am sooo tired of waking up and going to work, I just want to sleep and not have to do anything. Maybe my sleep patterns are getting synched cos I'm actually excercising and eating ok...or maybe it's cos I've severely cut calories...no that's not right I ate almost half a frigging pizza on tuesday night...bloody Domino's with their two for tuesday bullcrap deal!! So then I went on sparkpeople (how damn chirpy does this website's name sound?) anyhoo, I logged into sparkpeople to enter in my eatings for the day and lo and behold!!! One slice of pizza hut pizza ( they don't seem to acknowledge Dominos on this website) deposits into me 360calories and dumps a whopping 20g of fat in a sitting!!!! Ok, I might be lying about the 20g of fat, butI'm not logging into sparkpeople to confirm this statistic as I am too scared to look, but trust me, it could be even worse. So, I ate about 3/4 slices of pizza and was planning on having the rest for lunch the next day because me and the boy actually had a bit of it left (he had gorged on a meatlovers pizza and was too full to care where the rest ended up), but after realising the damage I had done I classified pizza as the enemy, and will not touch another slice of it in the near future. So B (for boy) ate the rest of it at my insistence (he's trim, he can handle it). However, this vow does not come into effect until I eat a whole...yes WHOLE vegeterian pizza when pay day comes along next week. I can see it now, pesto, grilled pumpkin, sweet potato, onion, 3, yes 3 types of cheese and whatever other vego lefotovers they deem fit for pizza topping. Then, I'll never touch another pizza again.
So yes, I would recommend sparkpeople to people (yes, I see a funniness to that sentence), only because you can see how utterly mislead you have been about your otherwise good eating habits. Oh, to make myself feel better, I told myself that those nutritional values only applied to American Pizza cos the pizza here is not as big as what american pizza looks like in the movies...s'il vous plait tell me I'm not kidding myself?
Ok, my boy isn't as bad as I made him sound. He cooks me dinner, drives me wherever I want, lends me money when I don't have any or rather takes care of any incidental bills we or I acquire, he's more affectionate than I am with him, he's a good friend and I have never even been remotely interested in anyone else since I met him. I trust him completely and I know he would never hurt me intentionally, he's very protective over me. To be quite honest, I don't know how well I'd cope sometimes without him. Really, that blog was written after I watched "Runaway Bride" with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts...who can blame me, I am a woman after all!!!
Thank you all for your comments, each and every one.
Have a good friday, the weekend is here!!!!!!!!!!!!

starkers part 2

So, I got the feeling maybe some people wouldn't understand my last blog, so I'll clarify. I love my boyfriend dearly, he's great, he's just...different in conlficting ways, but he's terrific. I joined sparkpeople, so now i know how my dieting is going. I eat so much FAT, i never realised, so i've gotta watch that or i'll get nowhere, I love this website though.
Had an uneventful weekend but I did a lot of relaxing, which was really good cos I'm dog tired. Will write more tomorrow or day after, gotta get me to bed cos I've got a long day tomorrow.

stark realization

You know the feeling when you realise your parents may just be human, you know that sinking feeling, when you realize that the people you absolutely worship may be just as vulnerable as you are? I've been having lots of those lately, it's not fun. So lately I've come to a conclusion I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. My boyfriend is not that kind of guy. The kind who's really romantic, who'll let me walk through doors first, or buy me flowers, or even run after me if I walk out in a huff or better yet not let me walk out of the door in a huff. He's not the kind of guy who even apologizes when he's wrong or yet even admits that he may actually be wrong. He's not the easiest person to be around, doesn't get along with any of my mates, doesn't want any of the things I want in life. So what kind of guy is he? The kind who is incredibly loyal, who wants nothing more than to please me (sometimes), who can be syrupy sweet, who is reliable, sensible to the point of snoredom, opinionated, honest. I think I like him because I see a side to him that other people never see, so it's my secret. I used to be a sucker for a nice guy, but being with the boy for 4yrs has changed me in ways I never imagined, some good, some bad. So is this good enough? This relationship, do I need the romance, the apologies or any of that other stuff? Surely better a man you can count on, one who you'd cut your right arm for before believing he'd cheat on you than a sappy guy who's that way with all the other girls out there...surely?

On the food front, things are still ok. I had a mini binge today...banana bread, i love the stuff. I have been good this week, and things seem to be falling into place with the eating. If only the excercise would just do itsefl, things would be great.
Have a good weekend everybody.