Tuna and more ramblings

If anyone out there is a bit down, a bit stressed out or downright bored because you work in an environment where the most entertainment is provided via hallucinations because it is so not mentally stimulating, I have a solution. Take a look at purl_princess's blog she is soo funny!!! No really, I like nothing better than a good laugh and she gave me plenty, thanks girl!
On to other more important matters, if you eat one food for say an entire month say...tuna, do you think it will start leaking out of your pores? I absolutely love the stuff, so this is my ode to tuna and cheese and crackers...this is definately one case of the smellier the better.

I am in the midst of job hunting again. I really, really hate it, it's so much worse than house hunting. I better find something soon though otherwise come April I will be unemployed as my contract ends then. Talk about pressure.
So I stepped on the scales today again, I am a scale whore, I tried to quit but I came back, you always come back. I did not imagine the reduction I saw on there, but then again it wasn't as big as I first thought, but any loss is a good loss is it not? Does anyone out there watch as show called "the biggest loser"? It is amazing how much weight these people shed, but by jove! they do it tough. Me and a friend were thinking of hiring a personal trainer between the two of us, tips anyone?
I hope you all have a really lovely hump day ( wednesday). I didn't know what hump day meant and I thought people were just being a bit rude...but apparently not. For anyone out there whose mind was in the gutter...its just because it's the other side of the camels hump or hill, or whatever has an up and down, it's downhill from wednesday because the rest of the week just passes on in a blink.

rambling.

I actually had me a great weekend, I excercised!!! I did this ridiculous weights session on saturday, that left me absolutely knackered (tired) but invigorated...and then I actually cleaned parts of the house!! On Sunday, I got up and went for a 45min swim, that was actually really quite good considering how lazy I have been lately. Today was another weights session, I'm a bit sore, but I love that feeling because I know dormant muscles have been awakened.

On the eating front though, I'm starting to think that maybe I need to use my food scales a little more. I discovered over the week that a serving of breakfast cereal for me is 100g, when recommended serving size for my cereal (muesli...high fat but high fibre and very nutritious) is only 40g. Ok, so I tried 40g serving today, and I was stark raving hungry about 3hrs later!! So not too sure about this, but I will keep going with it cos I'm sure my tummy will learn or be forced into submission to love every single spoonfull of that 40g serving size and every other reduced portion food I feed it.

I weighed myself on my fat and water monitor scales today, I think I saw a reduction, but I'm too scared to confirm it cos I don't want to be disappointed if it's the same weight...ridiculous, non? It's just that everytime I start losing weight I sabotage myself and go into this crazy binge eating behaviour...I think I'm actually scared of losing weight cos I will not have anything to whinge about anymore and finding another crutch is just too much work.

I'd really like to thank Lynne and Alea for all their support, I hope to do the same for you. It feels good not to be the lurker in your blogs anymore. Go the fatblogs!!! Seriously though, I think without this forum, I wouldn't be as motivated as I am right now. After all, this is the last time I...

doldrums

today was crap, i felt really horrid all day. working in a lab, i have started using my lab coat as an ally to hide my body, so when i'm in the lab i feel really good. as soon as i walk outside and notice people looking at me, all my body hangups come to surface. I hate it when people look at me cos i think they're asking themselves how i let myself get this way without doing anything about it. I think i feel even worse when i haven't been excercising cos it means that i haven't been doing anything about it, i.e confirming their thoughts. I think I am becoming neurotic. i have realised that taking care of myself has to come before anything else. for instance, last night, I was busy on the internet until 2am, my plan had been to wake up and excercise before work, to counteract another one of my vices...if i don't do it in the morning when I am mindless, I won't do it any other time as I shall have created every convenient excuse not to do it. So, having slept for only 5hrs, I was in no shape to excercise, so I didn't do it because I couldn't hack it.

So this is reason enough for me to want to implement the other thing that I have been telling myself that I will do...get 7-8 hours of sleep every night if possible, so that I am well rested and ready to take on the day...and my bike, or my walk, or my swim or those weights!! To be quite honest, this is probably going to be really tough for me because I always find other things to do that keep pushing my bed time further and further back. But if I don't do it then my health suffers, surely this is reason enough.

do you want fries, a shake and some caramel topping with that?

so, i think i went nuts today. I have not had anything that remotely had chlorophyl cells in it once pass through my lips today. No veggies, and just 6 cherries are the closest i've come to fresh produce today. I thought it would be a good weekend, I had it all planed out with the eating and excercise. so i started out with a bowl of oats, skim soy milk (lactose intolerance, i accept your pity) a dollop of yoghurt and some honey. I thought this was tops!!! then i had to go to the mall, and i bought some flatbread, a really buttery short bread cookie and a butterscotch muffin. to wash this all down, i had a diet coke. I ended up throwing a bit less than half the cookie and the muffin away when i got home. i felt really bad,i wasn't even hungry but I had some of that stuff anyway. so i didn't have lunch cos i was stuffed. for dinner, i had a big bowl of nachos, with oodls of this really yummy full fat cheese with sweet chilli sauce. for desert I had two serves of tiramisu and a bar of icecream. I could keep going, but i'd have to eat fruit cos we've run out of everything else, oh, i forgot to mention the two slices of wholemeal bread with butter AND peanut butter. I don't even know where to start with the analysis.
oh, i'm job hunting again.

sumo wrestlers, underwear models

so, got paid today, and i bought the fat monitor scales like I said i would. I don't yet know if it was actually a good idea. turns out it's worse than i thought, apparently according to my sources, sumo wrestlers are suppossed to be about 25% body fat, me I clocked in at 35%!!! Great start. I'm actually in denial at the moment...it is a lot depressing. so i'm sitting here blogging, and watching telly. victoria's secret fashion show is on...I wish i had a big bucket of fries or some miracle pill. A few days ago I was feeling real confident, I couldn't wait to start on this journey, I should learn that confidence is a little fickle with me. So after realising how good i was going, i decided to jeopardize it, haven't excercised in the last 2 days, so I feel like crap. I ahve to remember that even though there are no changes in my physical appearance right now, that knowing that I am working on it is such a big confidence boost that I don't think i can afford to do without it. I think I still think some miracle will happen and everything will fall into place all without me lifting a finger...I mean it seemed to work in the opposite direction didn't it? I mean one moment I was this carefree girl who didn't really care what she looked like cos she was normal, then the in the next scene i wake up this fatty who's every thought is consumed by weight and weightloss. My first thought when I see anyone looking at me on the street is because they can't believe how someone so fat actually has the nerve to walk down the street. I really need some help. I don't feel too good.

this is the last time i...

this is the last time i...

so far so good

i realized today that this was my 3rd straight day of excercise, and that i am even looking forward to tomorrows session. I did good today, even my eating was in check. I'm still not sure about the whole portion control thing yet, don't know how to do it yet. I have noticed that I'm starting to listen to my body a lot more, i.e can now notice when I am satisfied and i'm making progress on training myself to stop eating at this time. funny how that old directive from mum still rings in my head though...finish all your food, there's kids on the street who'd kill for that. actually, my mums one was " finish your food, you'll regret it tomorrow when you don't have these yummies infront of you". I think this amongst other things wrecked me for life. I still don't know what my triggers are though, what drives me to stuff myself as much as i do, i know boredoms one, stress is another...but I don't know enough to realise what's going on before it's happened. I am working on it though.
So far so good though, feeling really good. Buying a body fat monitor scale when i get paid...i think it's just another gimmick, but it' ll be fun.

location, location

Me and my boyfriend just came back from our first real holiday together. it was a week long in beautiful Cairns in Queensland, AUS. Before we left, we were having the biggest fights in the history of fights, I think I was at the point of a nervous breakdown...I think I"m on the edge of a nervous breakdown actually. I was a bit worried about how we would go over the week away, it would be a lot of time to spend with someone, nowhere to hide. I was quiet suprised though, we actually did really well. We only had one spat over the whole period, and that was only on our last day there. Once we got home though, I felt the old pressures coming back. True to form, we had an argument just 2 days after being back. It made me come to a realisation, maybe my house, our house has somehow soaked up this bad karma, because we don't seem to get along that well at home, but we're fabulous outside of home. We seem to have fights in the spaces where we dwell most, i.e the car, the house. Maybe these places have an effect on the way we feel about each other...maybe I've gotta look into practising feng shui.

Location, location huh? It even links to how I feel about my body. Not being Australian, I think I feel the pressure to conform more than anyone who is from this country. Somehow this society is more body aware, in my home physical appearance does not hinder you from being happy. I don't think I've ever seen one guy check me out since I've been here, I really feel unnattractive. I didn't have that problem at home, I think Africans are just more accepting of you as a person. Maybe I lie...maybe I was just a whole different person back home, and that's why I was always surrounded by guys. Not just because they thought they had a chance with me, but just because they wanted me in their life, as a friend as well. Maybe I was more fun than i am now.

Those matters aside though, I am feeling very optimistic about my new body venture, I think this is going to pay off because I'm starting to understand that it's going to be a long journey and it's going to be a lot of work.

new year, new me...right?

It's the start to the new year and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Nothing seems ok, my love life is in the dumps, my weight is at a ridiculous all time high and my job really bites. I've always thought that if I could control my weight then everything else in my life would fall into place. I haven't been able to control the weight, and it's coming to the point where I feel like I'm losing control of everything else. I keep telling myself that I've got the tools to do what I need to do but I never seem to do it. so, I'm 25 now, and have vowed that I shall not have ongoing body battles at 30 because I want to be comfortable within myself enough to enjoy the rest of my life. So this is the last time I start a new excercise and diet regimen.
The last time I tell myself I can't do it.
The last time I cheat on myself.
This is the last time because if I don't go through with this, knowing all that I know, then I think I need to change strategies. If I can't lose the weight, then I have to find a way to be comfortable with the me that i am now.